“I know what I must do. It’s just…I’m afraid to do it.” -Frodo in Lord of the Rings
Ever since I was a kid, it’s been my nature to try to fix everything.
When my parents got divorced, I didn’t want anyone to be hurt, and I made it my personal responsibility to protect everyone from themselves and from each other. I tried as hard as I possibly could to play mediator and peacekeeper. The family counselor told them they needed to stop relying on me, and needed to make a conscious effort not to overburden me with troubles. I am the youngest in my family. Peacekeeping was quite a task for a fourth grade little girl.
In junior high, I ended up back at the counselor’s office. She suggested I try to surround myself with friends who were happy and doing well, not the people who were depressed, going through tough times, and leaning on me. I saw their pain, and I wanted to fix it. I felt overwhelmed all the time.
When the time came to pick a college major, I thought about becoming a counselor or psychiatrist. But I decided I could never handle that. I’m far too emotional. I make everyone’s life my own. I love people. I feel other’s feelings deeply.
People I know have a lot of hurt. I can’t fix it all the time. It’s hard. It’s way harder when I’m involved. I’m responsible for hurting someone I care about deeply, and there’s not a single damn thing I can come up with to fix it. I’m powerless. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me.
I guess I just have to let it go. My roommate tells me it’s not my problem anymore. I’m sure if I could find that counselor she’d tell me something similar. Sometimes bad things just happen, and we have to sit back and let them. Sometimes it’s the only way. It sucks.