Letting Go

“I know what I must do. It’s just…I’m afraid to do it.” -Frodo in Lord of the Rings

Ever since I was a kid, it’s been my nature to try to fix everything.

When my parents got divorced, I didn’t want anyone to be hurt, and I made it my personal responsibility to protect everyone from themselves and from each other. I tried as hard as I possibly could to play mediator and peacekeeper. The family counselor told them they needed to stop relying on me, and needed to make a conscious effort not to overburden me with troubles. I am the youngest in my family. Peacekeeping was quite a task for a fourth grade little girl.

In junior high, I ended up back at the counselor’s office. She suggested I try to surround myself with friends who were happy and doing well, not the people who were depressed, going through tough times, and leaning on me. I saw their pain, and I wanted to fix it. I felt overwhelmed all the time.

When the time came to pick a college major, I thought about becoming a counselor or psychiatrist. But I decided I could never handle that. I’m far too emotional. I make everyone’s life my own. I love people. I feel other’s feelings deeply.

People I know have a lot of hurt. I can’t fix it all the time. It’s hard. It’s way harder when I’m involved. I’m responsible for hurting someone I care about deeply, and there’s not a single damn thing I can come up with to fix it. I’m powerless. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me.

I guess I just have to let it go. My roommate tells me it’s not my problem anymore. I’m sure if I could find that counselor she’d tell me something similar. Sometimes bad things just happen, and we have to sit back and let them. Sometimes it’s the only way. It sucks.

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About Nicole

Daughter of God, wife, mother, volunteer youth leader, substitute teacher, aspiring writer, rabbit owner, nature lover. These are some of my titles.
This entry was posted in Life as we know it, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Letting Go

  1. PeterDallas says:

    I remember the night my mother told me and my brother (my brother and I?) that she was going to leave my father. She was reading us a bedtime story, one of us on each side, when she suddenly stopped and told us. My younger brother started crying, and I scolded him for being a stupid baby! Why? because I sensed my mother was desperately trying not to upset us so I didn’t want her to see that she had. Years later I started to feel guilty about scolding David!
    Now as an old man, I am beginning to realize that “just being there” is important and usually the less said the better!
    Reading your blog and the comments does my heart good to know that young people still have such noble ambitions. When I was your age I was pretty mixed up (broken home etc) with major highs and lows (seemed to be more lows than highs). My early thirties, with 3 small boys great! Very few things can beat coming home after a trying day at work and being greeted with an excited “daddies home!” Being a parent is something for you to really look forward Nix!

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