The last first day freakout

Today another year of college begins. If all falls into place as it should, this is the last year for me.

Should I be excited? Or terrified? I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But apparently I’m growing up all the same. Life doesn’t stop to wait for you to figure out your plans. I take a deep breath and tell myself that everything will be okay- it always has been so far. Stress is such a waste of time. Everything I’ve freaked out in the past has worked out just fine. I’ve botched some things up horribly, but have been blessed enough that my life hasn’t shattered at my feet yet, despite my best efforts at self-sabotage. This will be the same way. I might mess it up, but my God and all the great people in my life are always there to catch me when I fall.

I’m afraid of all the things I’ll regret not doing, and the things I will regret doing. I’m afraid of blundering forward into something that isn’t right because it feels secure. I’m afraid of throwing away security in a foolish pursuit of excitement. I’m afraid that wavering in indecision for too long will eliminate my options.

My dad told me I should do what I want while I can, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. What if I don’t know what I want?

I apologize for the whiny blog. I know that all of my anxiety is trivial and a waste of time. I know that God has a plan for me, even if I can’t see past today. When God made the plan, I bet he calculated for all of the errors I will make along the way. He knows me like that. Everything will be fine. I just don’t feel like it right now.

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About Nicole

Daughter of God, wife, mother, volunteer youth leader, substitute teacher, aspiring writer, rabbit owner, nature lover. These are some of my titles.
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5 Responses to The last first day freakout

  1. thebiglaskowsky says:

    You weren’t kidding when you said you were going to whine all the time now that you’re back 😉 haha. Just kidding. I feel pretty much the same way except for the part where I’m gung-ho enough to blog about it… surprise surprise. Anyway, I’m doing laundry so I gotta go. I love you!

  2. Nicole says:

    Yeah hopefully I’ll get it all out of my system soon.
    By the way, you still look like a mental patient in that picture. The other night I dreamed that you still had hair. I didn’t notice until I was running my fingers through it, then suddenly it dawned on me that hair was a novelty. Meredith says I should make you grow it back for our wedding.

  3. Jon says:

    “What if I don’t know what I want?” What a deep, philosophical question! Here’s a deep, philosophical answer: frame your life with a different question. Rather than “What do I want out of life?”, ask “How can I apply my abilities in the service of others during my life?”. Some of the most miserable people I know are those desperately trying to “get what they want out of life”. I think their misery is exceeded only by those who have actually gotten what they wanted out of life, only to discover that what they wanted is not worth having. On the other hand, I’ve noticed that those who give up everything they want for the sake of others (like you did this summer) are continuously surprised at how joy keeps on finding them anyway and filling up their lives when they aren’t looking.

  4. Nicole says:

    True.

  5. thebiglaskowsky says:

    Well, in that case I’ll be growing a mullet.

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