How I’m doing

“It’s gonna get harder still before it gets easy. I’m alone in this. I’m as I’ve always been, a step behind what’s happening.” –Jimmy Eat World, Always Be

I’m lonely, but I can’t bring myself to call my friends or go out.

I’m tired, but seem incapable of sleep.

I’m stressed, but can’t force myself to catch up on things.

I want something, but don’t know what.

The future freaks me out but the present isn’t much better.  I don’t know what to do with myself. Don’t know what to look forward to. Don’t understand my purpose unless God has called me to be a mopey, self-pitying slob. There are good days and bad days. But lately it seems they are all bad. I wish someone would tell me what to do.

“Good things happen slowly, and bad things happen fast.” — A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas

About Nicole

Daughter of God, wife, mother, volunteer youth leader, substitute teacher, aspiring writer, rabbit owner, nature lover. These are some of my titles.
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7 Responses to How I’m doing

  1. dave says:

    I feel the same way, so terrified of the future that i’m missing whats right in front of me. Things will get better (i think).

  2. Nicole says:

    Here’s hoping.

  3. Jamie says:

    “Here comes the sun little darlin’…it’s alright.”
    It will be I promise…I felt so much like that exactly last year. (Such is the life of the introspective writer type-ish I guess.)

    I’ll never minimize these feelings you have, I know it hurts to not feel truly “alive”. It may have been random of me, but I held onto one, I guess you woud call, string of words. “Strong right hand”- referring to the Lord’s strong right hand and based on this Bible verse, “… So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10,13

    I speak from as a personal witness; you are a beautiful woman of God living for His glory. There is no nobler calling than that. When it’s so hard to reach for Him, He is still delighting in you and, I know this may be extremely hard to comprehend…but is thrilled with you- 100% raw Nicole.

    Don’t worry what you do or don’t have figured out, you are the exact right spot on God’s timeline.

    You got my number, but than again I have yours.

    p.s. YOU ARE LOVED. by me at least.

  4. Jamie says:

    Why in the world did I ever identify myself as a writer-type-ish. There are so many grammar mistakes and confusing sentances in my first post that I’m not even going to try to correct them.

    But, hey, if it would help your mood- you can edit it in red and return. It wouldn’t be the first time I got a bleeding paper.

    Life is so so so so humbling. Especially today. 😀

  5. Anonymous says:

    Ya, graduating is frightening. I know when I graduated I was terrified to realize I knew exactly what I want to do, but I don’t know how to get from where I am now to where I dream of being. There are so many steps in between. All you can do is push yourself as hard as possible and believe that everything will work out. You’re not going to start at the New York Times, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be there some day.

    My advice to you is to keep writing and put yourself out there. You have a unique voice and people will enjoy reading you, but no one can enjoy your work if you’re too overwhelmed to write.

  6. PeterDallas says:

    I feel remiss for not having been there “in your time of need” to offer words of encouragement. It was interesting to see how much/little support you got and the nature of it.

    I was imaging there would be thousands of encouraging comments but perhaps like me people are not regular readers and lets face it until recently your blogging was quite sparse.

    I am sure by now you are back to your old positive self! At least as you said “here’s hoping!”

  7. Nicole says:

    Thanks guys.

    Jamie, my mom and my friend Matt asked me if I’m praying about it. And the answer was no, not really. For some reason I’ve been fighting to keep control of my own plans, even though I don’t actually have any plans. A song from church this morning is a perfect prayer for me:

    “I need you Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace and I will follow you. This world has nothing for me.”

    By the way, writers have a lot of grammar mistakes, trust me. That’s why editors exist.

    Anonymous, I know you’re right. I just need to suck it up and keep writing.

    Peter Dallas, I am feeling better now. It always comes in waves: overwhelmed and then calm. I certainly didn’t expect thousands of comments. My blog is probably not as widely-read as you think. True, I hardly wrote over the summer because I was quite busy and cut off in the mountains. Thanks for the encouragement. It’s always nice to know people care.

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