I’m getting restless again. I want to be in control of the world, but I can’t. I want to do great things, but I don’t know what or how. I want to peer into my soul and understand who I am.
I have so much to look forward to. But fear whispers in my ear. “Everything is uncertain,” it says. “You get no guarantees.” Uncertainty is a sure thing. I am a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes. I can make plans for tomorrow, but my life might be demanded of me tonight.
God says my inability to plan should be a source of peace. I see it as a lack of control. God tells me I don’t have to worry. I should stop trying to be in control. I can’t be, and that’s a good thing. God orchestrates everything, down to the details of birds and flowers and up to the vast workings of the universe. What do I have to worry about? Worry gets me no where. The world goes on whether I plan or not.
Still, I can’t help feeling that I’m ignoring my calling. God didn’t put me here to take up space. I should be drawing every breath with purpose. I have a unique, divine vocation. I fulfill it in every mundane detail of daily life. How can I feign to serve God in big ways if I don’t first submit to serving him in all the little ways?
My real problem is that I’m not walking with Christ daily. My prayers are short, distracted, and full of requests. My time in the Word has been non-existent lately. How can I cry out to God to rescue me while ignoring the means he’s provided me to connect with him? If you get lazy with a relationship, it stalls out. If you don’t make the time to talk and listen, the relationship loses meaning and dies. God’s love for me never dies, but if I ignore him, I feel something missing. There’s a tremendous God-shaped void in my life that I’ve busied myself stuffing full of everything I can try to control. Earning and spending money, planning my wedding, wasting hours on the Internet, even my family time and my relationship with Michael are all offered as substitutes. But none of those things are God. None of them fill the God-shaped void in my life. Only Christ can fill it.
So I keep feeling empty. And I keep getting frustrated with all the things and people I expect to make me feel better. I feel like they’re failing me. But they’re not failing me. I’m failing them by assigning them the incorrect role in my life. My life will continually feel like a disaster so long as I refuse to allow my Savior to save me.
I need you, Jesus, to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace, and I will follow you. This world has nothing for me. I will follow you.