Oh baby!

I’ve been delaying writing this post. No words can accurately communicate my new reality.

On September 11th, I turned 25. That morning, I stood in the bathroom expectantly watching little pink lines appear in the window of a home pregnancy test. The test line was clear – it had successfully registered. The second line, the important one, the one that means there’s a baby living inside of me, was pale and blurry. But it was there. I took a second test. Two lines again. Oh, baby. I’m pregnant.

I want to say that the moment I found out was the most exciting of my life. Truthfully, my emotions were like that second line on the test – blurry. I wanted to be pregnant. I have wanted this for a long time. I was relatively certain that the test would be positive, despite the numerous negative tests of the past when my body insisted on being unpredictable. But nothing prepares one for such news. No amount of hoping, waiting, expecting, could make me feel ready for this. My excitement and thankfulness were mixed with apprehension, caution, and a general inability to comprehend this new reality.

Blood tests, doctor’s appointments and an ultrasound later, I’m ready to share my new reality with the world. Today, my baby begins his or her ninth week. A week and a half ago, I saw a rapidly beating little heart on a screen. Hello, little one. Welcome to life. I hope I will be able to protect you.

It’s still so hard to comprehend. I watch videos and read all the information on baby websites. I deal with morning sickness and exhaustion every day. I make lists of names and research nursery decorations and try to eat all the right things. I can take a vitamin and a progesterone supplement and and give up caffeine, but I can’t make sure everything is OK. I feel frail and helpless, like my baby. We wait submissively to see what our future will hold.

You see, this is my second baby. I was not able to protect my first baby. I had her only five weeks. I talked to her and wrote her letters and prayed that she would live, but it wasn’t meant to be. In our bedroom, I have strips of ultrasound printouts. One of my first baby, at five weeks, a dark, indiscernible circle. One of this second baby at around the same age, looking much the same. And the newest printout, my baby at seven and half weeks. A little peanut in the circle. Or as some have said, a gerbil running in a wheel (it really does look like that).

I just knew that when I saw that heartbeat, everything would be fine. And for 20 minutes, everything was fine. Then I met with the doctor, and he told me my progesterone level had dropped a little low. It could be no problem, there’s no way of knowing. A supplement is recommended and might help. And I remembered that life comes with no guarantees. We’re doing everything we can. There will be plenty of things to be uncertain about throughout the process, and for the rest of our lives.

I like to think of myself as an optimistic realist. I brace for the worst, but choose to be thankful and content in all circumstances. Some circumstances make this much easier than others. But for now, all I can do is rejoice. I’m a mom. Our precious little one is getting all the help we can give. I’m thankful for our baby. And for the first one, who I will hold on the last day when God raises us all.

And so, dear blog followers, rejoice with me! And if you know God, please pray to him for my baby. I don’t understand exactly how prayer works, but Scripture promises that the prayer of faith has great power. All we can do is trust our Father who loves us.

Oh baby! Here’s a video animation of what our little one has been up to so far. What a miracle human life is!

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About Nicole

Daughter of God, wife, mother, volunteer youth leader, substitute teacher, aspiring writer, rabbit owner, nature lover. These are some of my titles.
This entry was posted in Life as we know it, News and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Oh baby!

  1. Melissa says:

    Thank you, once again, for your honest and meaningful post.

    I had no idea about your first baby (as I’m sure many did not). I am so sorry.

    But, I do rejoice with you for this new life, and you and Michael will be in my prayers!

    What a joy it is that, no matter what may come in this life, we have hope in the resurrection – a real, physical resurrection, and there is NOTHING that can separate us from that!

  2. Julianne says:

    great post. Have you considered a natural birth? I’m also expecting, and have written a blog hoping to share everything that I have learned whilst on my voyage to mamahood about natural birth and to empower women to trust their instinct when it comes to birth.. good luck with your journey!

  3. Wow! Danny and I enjoyed reading this post together before we left China…so exciting! We’ve been calculating how far along you’ll be by the time the wedding rolls around, and if we’re even remotely correct, we won’t be able to meet your little one then, but we can see your belly!!

  4. Nicole says:

    Melissa,
    Thanks. I always enjoy your responses. We followed the conventional wisdom with the first pregnancy, waiting to tell most people. And there were questions and concerns pretty much right from the beginning. But I learned that I don’t like that “wisdom.” I felt bad that my baby came and went with relatively little fanfare and so few people even knowing about her. I decided I’d rather have the love, support and prayers of others than wait until everything is “safe” to break the news. And in reality, no life is ever guaranteed safety in this world. That’s why we decided to announce this baby while I’m still in the first trimester, which is statistically the danger zone for most miscarriages. But, some studies do suggest that after a confirmed healthy heartbeat (which we have!), the miscarriage risk drops to only about 2%. I know statistics often don’t correlate with reality, so I’ll stick to trusting God. But I do think I’ll feel a lot more confident when we make it out of the first trimester. 4 weeks to go!

  5. Nicole says:

    Julianne,
    Nice to meet you. I’m glad you found my blog. I have considered natural childbirth and have many friends who’ve done it (so brave!) I’m still researching all the options as I have quite a ways to go. I’m interested in waterbirth and avoiding epidural, but I am pretty sure I want to deliver in a hospital. That’s what I know so far.

  6. Nicole says:

    Shannon,
    Thanks! You are correct πŸ™‚ On the day of your wedding, baby will be 20 weeks and 2 days along (if the doctor doesn’t change my due date. We already added a week to the initial estimate.) That means I’ll be EXACTLY halfway through pregnancy, in the middle of the second trimester. Baby should be able to hear noises from the outside world and we should be able to feel him/her kick. I calculated how far along I’d be for your wedding pretty early on so I could find out about safe travel. The doctor said I should be fine to drive or fly to Colorado then, as long as I get up and take a little stroll every 2 hours πŸ™‚ Yay!

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